Today a comment was thrust upon me that sent me into a rather unattractive altered state. I was beyond peeved and before I gave a response, I called a friend who reminded me to not do anything while I’m angry. Well I’m cooled down but still bugged and need to scratch the itch…hence this blog.

I have read numerous self-help books on how to express anger, how to avoid co-depency and how to be an emotionally balanced person, etc.  They worked great while I was reading them but putting the concepts and ideas into action? Baffling.  I so admire others who can graciously handle difficult situations with an, “I understand you feel that way, but I feel…” or “I so appreciate your opinion and I would like to share mine if that is alright with you…”. Um, just not in the realm of my personal word formations.

Rarely do my annoyingly provoked verbal responses take flight, rather they flap around in my head until I’m dang near peckered out. A very wise king once wrote, “A gentle answer turns away wrath” and I have also heard it said that the negatives we perceive in others are merely a reflection of our own personal character defects. If this be the truth, then I believe perhaps the ‘gentle answer’ might need to be to offered to myself first.

Maybe then I would have a source of grace to draw from. Don’t know for sure. Sounds good. I do feel better. Now I gotta make the call.

Sipping my Starbucks ‘Tall Coffee In A Grande Cup Packed To The Top With Whipped Cream’ (you must try it, it’s fabulous), the sun peeps out and gives a wink before darting back into it’s dismal hiding place. But no matter, my beverage of choice puts a smile on my face and for the moment I am content.

The music blares above me as caffeine-craved people come and caffeine-saturated people go and I can’t help but turn my attention to the conversations around me, as for some reason people at coffee shops tend to talk in voices intended to command attention at something like a rodeo.

“It was like my mother shot herself in the foot”…”I think slinking from you is the hardest to do”…”I could eat a hundred of these, they’re so moist but have a bit of chew”…”Set the thing upright, I’m telling you, you gotta set it upright or it won’t work out”…’We all have our own stuff and I don’t know. I just don’t know”… “They have to fill out their paper work and get fingerprinted”…”I know myself well enough and there’s a reason, I swear there’s a reason”…

There was one more that I couldn’t quite make out but sounded like, “No, no, no, it was dripping from the cracker barrel”…?

A cacophony of voices planning their day, reporting on their lives, connecting with another life. I am amused because as I am basking in my caffeine glow it all sounds to me like a song that Paul Simon might have wrote.  I think it coulda been a big hit.

Taking in my surroundings, I step away from my weighty ponderings and feel refreshed. You see, I’ve been swimming a little bit too much in the Mid-life-Menopause Regret & Remorse Pond lately. Reflection is good. I just need to remember to season it with acceptance and gratitude because if I meander down the path of shame for my life’s missteps, my perceptions cloud and that Pond turns to quicksand.

So here’s to a cup of joe, this marvelous mid-life,  a hearty conversation topped off with a dash of gratitude.

Entering Midlife. Wishing for sleep that’s encumbered by seemingly endless awakenings.

Beholding Spring.  Air laced with lilac as budding leaves shimmer.

Beholding Midlife.  Doubt encircling dreams as the present clouds the future.

Menopause. Who the hell cares.

Menopause Rap

I had been on the road performing in several states for a month or so leaving my two daughters behind with a nanny. The ‘guilty mom complex’ was incessantly nibbling at my gray matter and  trying to invade my already weighty heart.

I was home for one day and fortunately right on my eldest daughter’s birthday! Just coming in from the East Coast, I was to leave the next day for LA. I just had enough time to pick up a cake and make it to my daughter’s classroom for a little birthday celebration.

Somewhere between the bakery and the classroom I realized I did not have my suitcase which had all the equipment I needed for the stage presentation. This was not something that could be easily replaced and there was no way I could perform without it. I began to hyperventilate with gusto and because I was ‘PMS-ing’, I broke out into the chorus from Oklahoma. This did not help.

Leaving the school with a half eaten cake on the seat next to me and with a pulse of 250 I tore up the road careening the hi-ways and bi-ways in efforts to  retrace my steps to find my suitcase. Picture then,  the lights, siren and a really cute cop I must say…

It was all I could handle and as the officer asked for my licence and registration,  I burst out crying (verbatim), “I’m an actress and I have to be on stage in LA tomorrow and I lost my suitcase and it has this thing I need cause I don’t have the whole show memorized and it’s my daughters birthday and I just made it in time…here’s the cake and  I’m only home for one day and they have to have a nanny and…”

The really cute cop says, “Lady, I Don’t Know if You Are Telling the Truth and I Should Give You a Ticket But That’s the Best Story I Have Ever Heard and I’m Gonna Let You Go” I Hope You Find What You Are Looking For…”

Gratitude replaced my madness and at the same time I was trying to figure out how to give him my phone number or get his!

I did find my suitcase as someone had found it in the middle of the road. I guess I had forgotten to put it in the trunk, left it behind the car, backed up and pushed it into the road. A very nice man got an unexpected tip that day and I with much relief enjoyed the rest of the evening with my daughters assuaging the ‘mommy guilt’ for one more day.