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I was thirteen when my piano teacher decided I was to master the pipe organ and become a church organist. I viewed the career path laid out before me and shuddered, as church organists at that time appeared to have poor fashion sense and bad hair. I am thankful to this day my mother gave me the choice and I firmly declined.

Recently, it’s as if my husband and I are standing on stage with an attentive audience as we perform an organ recital of our own that has nothing to do with emitting musical tones but rather one that barks out body aches and pains. Our knees scream out in an A minor as our backs bellow in G. Not to mention the bass vibrations resounding tones that reflect our daily loss of memory as we search for our missing keys, phones, glasses and wallets.

It appears we have crossed the mid-life mark and seem to be hobbling down a path with arrows pointing “For Senior Citizens Only” …offering great discount rates by the way!

I noticed yesterday, most of what my husband and I say to each other has to do with our physical discomforts. Now given, he did have a free pass earlier in the year as he was battling cancer, which thankfully has been eradicated.  But as of late we seem to be in harmony as we perform a constant dribble of:

“My back is out again, My neck hurts, My sinuses are flaring up, I hardly slept a wink last night, I screwed my knee up, I’m so exhausted, I lost my keys”, et al. And the ending stanza, a quiet hum that whispers, “Where have I gone?”

I made a request of my husband upon which it was agreed: No more ‘organ recital’ complaining unless it’s requires immediate attention or is an emergency.

The first few days hardly a word was exchanged between us as we held back our physical profundities. I was surprised to realize that we had misplaced the ability to share thoughts and feelings that were not linked to our aging bodies!

A month has now passed and outside of a small detour of talking about other people’s aging bodies, I’m happy to say that not only have we regained the ability to orate on subjects ranging from light banter to weightier matters, but we have also noticed the aforementioned physical aches and pains seem to have become only light background noise to our ‘soul awakened’ days!

Perhaps proving it to be true as spoken of Sir Charles Lyell in 1863, “…the improvable reason of Man himself — presents us with a picture of the ever-increasing dominion of Mind over Matter” (The Geological Evidence of the Antiquity of Man)…

…and most assuredly had we continued to perform cantatas on our biological witherings, we would have produced only dissonant chords resembling dirges for the decaying, and in turn, disabling our purpose and numbing our joy.

A reminder: Aging is what we make of it. Now go climb a mountain or a hill or just go for a walk and let these words create a melody that resound in your mind and spirit as you sing, “These are the best days of my life!”

Jan Mid Life Madness, Musings, Road Blocks and Detours

She sat upright with perfect posture displaying firm breasts that faced forward effortlessly as a German Short-haired Pointer. With full lips, the kind thin-lipped women attempt to replicate surgically, but regretfully result in a ‘come what may’ platypus pout, she extended her bronzed, toned legs, smiled and giggled. The perfect perfume, the perfect designer shoes and hair so expertly styled as if she were ready to hit the Paris Fashion Week runway, she filled the room.

Occasionally bumping elbows slumped one next to her donning wrinkled, elastic-waist kakis, chipped toenail polish and a stained GAP ball cap obviously hiding roots that were screaming for a touch up. With pale, puffy calves peeking out from tattered Capri’s and blending into a buttered popcorn-grease stained seat, I observed her out of the corner of my eye.

I had lost interest in the movie. Glancing sideways as if there was something worth noticing, I took inventory of this faultless reproduction of a young Cybil Sheppard crossed with a pinch of Bo Derek (name’s only my generation will recognize) while I, with popcorn kernels nuzzled between my slightly whitened teeth wondered, “What the hell has happened here”?!? And I was curious. “How does she do that…and sit up so straight and make it look so natural”?

I sat reeling in Youth as it wafted from her pores. It was like an out-of-reach dream of a time long ago when all my joints worked together holding up unyielding flesh as it bounced from perch to perch without the now, all too familiar joggle, wiggle and waggle.

So, in the glow of the big screen, I sat up a bit straighter and made a vow to myself to get back to the gym thinking for a moment that this would perhaps alter time’s cruel corporeal erosion. Instead I felt jealous and sad. And I would love to say in this moment I gleaned a morsel of encouraging insight from this unkind awakening about accepting this thing termed as ‘best time of your life’. Instead I comforted myself with the thought, “She probably can’t spell and has trouble reading the Huffington Post”…

But then again, I must admit there was a voice in the back of my mind reminding me if I do want this to be the ‘best time of my life’, all I have is the ‘Right Now’…

because the ‘Was Then’ can make me sad…

and the ‘What Is To Come’ incite fear.

And isn’t it true that adjusting perceptions in the ‘Right Now’ can bring about the most amazing gratitude?

I’ll adjust tomorrow. My “Right Now’ is still pissed and confused.

Jan Menopause, Mid Life Madness, Musings, Road Blocks and Detours Menopause, menopause video, mid-life

She sat upright with perfect posture displaying firm breasts that faced forward effortlessly as a German Short-haired Pointer. With full lips, the kind thin-lipped women attempt to replicate surgically, but regretfully result in a ‘come what may’ platypus pout, she extended her bronzed, toned legs, smiled and giggled. The perfect perfume, the perfect designer shoes and hair so expertly styled as if she were ready to hit the Paris Fashion Week runway, she filled the room.

Occasionally bumping elbows slumped one next to her donning wrinkled, elastic-waist kakis, chipped toenail polish and a stained GAP ball cap obviously hiding roots that were screaming for a touch up. With pale, puffy calves peeking out from tattered Capri’s and blending into a buttered popcorn-grease stained seat, I observed her out of the corner of my eye.

I had lost interest in the movie. Glancing sideways as if there was something worth noticing, I took inventory of this faultless reproduction of a young Cybil Sheppard crossed with a pinch of Bo Derek (name’s only my generation will recognize) while I, with popcorn kernels nuzzled between my slightly whitened teeth wondered, “What the hell has happened here”?!? And I was curious. “How does she do that…and sit up so straight and make it look so natural”?

I sat reeling in Youth as it wafted from her pores. It was like an out-of-reach dream of a time long ago when all my joints worked together holding up unyielding flesh as it bounced from perch to perch without the now, all too familiar joggle, wiggle and waggle.

So, in the glow of the big screen, I sat up a bit straighter and made a vow to myself to get back to the gym thinking for a moment that this would perhaps alter time’s cruel corporeal erosion. Instead I felt jealous and sad. And I would love to say in this moment I gleaned a morsel of encouraging insight from this unkind awakening about accepting this thing termed as ‘best time of your life’. Instead I comforted myself with the thought, “She probably can’t spell and has trouble reading the Huffington Post”…

But then again, I must admit there was a voice in the back of my mind reminding me if I do want this to be the ‘best time of my life’, all I have is the ‘Right Now’…

because the ‘Was Then’ can make me sad…

and the ‘What Is To Come’ incite fear.

And isn’t it true that adjusting perceptions in the ‘Right Now’ can bring about the most amazing gratitude?

I’ll adjust tomorrow. My “Right Now’ is still pissed and confused.

Jan Menopause, Mid Life Madness, Musings, Road Blocks and Detours Menopause, mid-life

As I was sitting amongst a group of women the other day, we chatted of relevant topics such as our current education system, social (in) security, changes in our insurance policies, the going’s on of our grown kids and… Botox. The subject of Botox somehow always seems to slip into conversations that include women both here and abroad. I highly doubt men talk of this subject, as those who indulge are most likely ‘closet injectors’.

So, discussions ensued as to the benefits of using Botox to smooth out those ever increasing epidermoid flaps and folds. Although tentative on broaching my personal experience with said topic, I would have been remiss not to share my Botox malady.

I have worked on-camera as a spokesperson and actress for several years and the advent of Botox was for me an opportunity to spend several more years as a liar…regarding my age of course.

I injected a little here a little there, playing blissfully with this new miracle of botulism like I was six again playing with my new Chatty Kathy at Christmas. I learned you could inject the Botox just above your upper lip giving it a more plump appearance. So to gain a more youthful pillowy mouth, I injected away. ‘Hoy Matey, thar she blows’ I expressed with wild abandon as within 7 to 10 days my upper lip did indeed swell to a more youthful and zestful appearance.

The only drawback I had not anticipated was that the muscles in the top of the mouth would be frozen and as I stood facing the camera ready to shoot a commercial, I was horrified when I could not form the letters m, b or p. My first line was, “Hi, Jan Brehm here with Mason Motors (name changed) celebrating this magical time of year”.  What I was able to dribble out was, “Hi, Jan reh here with ason otors, celerating this agical ti of year.” The director at first thought I was joking but his ‘ha ha’ quickly dissipated into raw frustration as camera take after camera take, I struggled to make my lips meet. I did finagle a way to move my lower lip up to meet the upper one, an accomplishment of which I was most pleased but unfortunately gave me the appearance of gurning.

Well, you think I would have learned, but a few weeks ago in preparing to shoot another commercial for a new dealership, I thought there would be no harm in Botoxing the bottom lip… again in attempts to regain a youthful lip-luster. I was fully aware that my bottom lip might be a bit paralyzed but found only the letters; f and v might be a bit strained. To my horror as I had not anticipated what the script might possibly say, I found my last line to be,  ”Come visit us. We’re just off the I 5 freeway in Fife.” and of course what my facial orifice formed was, “Come isit us. We’re just o the I i eeway in i.”

I’m gonna cool it on the Botoxing for a while.

Jan Mid Life Madness, Musings

Could I be any more confused about Hormone Replacement Therapy? Is taking hormones safe for us? First it’s a “Yes”, then “No”, then  ”Yes”, then “Maybe”, then “How should I know?”, followed with a “We think so” and finally, “Sit down, shut up and eat your dinner.”

At least that’s what it feels like! How many reports have been unveiled in the last 20 years regarding the safety and efficacy of HRT and each time the latest reports are released they seem to be the complete opposite of the previous findings!

Who should we be listening to? Movie stars? MD’s? Naturopathic Doctors? Our mothers? There’s a guy down the street that cleans offices at night that seems to be well versed in the subject…!

After extensive findings it was reported a few years ago that HRT was safe with a low percentage of women at risk if breast cancer was in their family. A month ago HRT now seems to be the cause of cancer in women and many gals I know frantically threw out their ‘happy pills, patches and creams’. A week ago Dr. Oz comes out and says (loosely stated), ‘Now, now no need to be hasty, they really aren’t that bad for you’…! I even heard a talk show guest blanketing Estrogen on causing Lung Cancer! When questioned, she did happen to mention that she had been smoking for 30 years. But the Estrogen caused the cancer. Uh huh.

What I know first hand is they work for me. I sleep better, feel better, and my husband seems to likes me more! http://www.planetsweetpea.com/ron.html

So here, to set the record straight, from Dr. Tori Hudson, a leader in women’s health: http://www.planetsweetpea.com/news.html

So let’s lift a glass for those of us hormonally challenged and declare, “Here’s to Hormone, or not to hormone maybe next year we will have the answer!

Jan Menopause, Mid Life Madness, Signs & Symptoms

Entering Spring. Awakenings after a seemingly endless sleep.

Entering Midlife. Wishing for sleep that’s encumbered by seemingly endless awakenings.

Beholding Spring.  Air laced with lilac as budding leaves shimmer.

Beholding Midlife.  Doubt encircling dreams as the present clouds the future.

Menopause. Who the hell cares.

Menopause Rap

Jan Menopause, Mid Life Madness, Musings funny advice for menopausal women, funny menopause, helping your wife through menopause, helping your wife with hot flashes, humorous menopause presentation, menopause dvd, menopause hot flash, menopause mood swing, menopause night sweat, menopause remedies, menopause signs, menopause symptoms, menopause video, understanding women going through perimenopause, wife going through menopause

Two days ago I lay in an ER hospital bed with tubes in my nose, a heart monitor attached and needles sucking blood from my arm.

Was it a heart attack? I certainly had all the symptoms: chest pains, extreme dizziness and nausea, couldn’t take a deep breath, heavy fatigue. Read the rest of this entry »

Jan Mid Life Madness

…my knarly tango with menopause that is! Just when I have those menopausal symptoms licked and I’m feelin’ back to me again, I discover that I am aimlessly wandering the aisles of Safeway or some other potential place of public humiliation talking to myself and in addition, extremely irritated and angry with anyone that comes within 25 feet of me. Or pretty much anyone within my hormonally challenged eye line.

I think we need to learn to laugh when experiencing these uncomfortable menopause signs and symptoms and if you haven’t seen our music video  yet, get a giggle and watch the following video after the break:
Read the rest of this entry »

Jan Menopause, Mid Life Madness

One midlife malady that seems to be fairly shared among couples is stubbornness; being set in our ways; no more Mr./Ms. Nice Guy/Gal; I need, I want, I feel, I need some more, etc.

The kids are out of the house and now it’s “ME TIME”. So, if you have two people sharing their lives together exercising their self-indulgent newly found freedom, what happens when the wills clash?

To budge or not to budge? Sometimes it can go beyond the tug of rope named “Compromising” to the silent but deadly “Standoff”. The problem with the Standoff is it gets extremely tiring and it is impossible to win.
Read the rest of this entry »

Jan Mid Life Madness

Memories, all alone in the moonlight

I don’t know what I’m doing here, or why I came

All is fuzzy as I wander from room to room

Talking to myself, once again.

Daylight, I awake from my stupor

Wishing I could remember, what day is today

Who am I? What is my name and what do I do?

Let my memory please be renewed.

Every day is a new adventure of confusion and befuddlement

I continue to mutter and my husband shutters

At our mid-life predicament.

Touch me, it’s so easy just read my lips

We’ll grow old together, hand in hand

As we tread these unknown waters of mid-life

I’ll remind you hey, I’m your wife

Read the rest of this entry »

Jan Menopause, Mid Life Madness